Screwed and unscrewed

So, it looked like I should upgrade the poor old eMac in hopes of getting somewhat better performance and facilitate the conversion/preservation of my brother's genealogy files. Adding RAM is a simple process, illustrated in the User's Manual. The eMac has two slots, each of which can take up to a 512MB chip. I decided to add 512MB to the second slot, leaving the original 128MB in place. 640MB would be plenty for OS X 10.4, which is as high as you can go on an eMac.

I found the chip I needed on Other World Computing for a grand $14.95 (back in 2002, when this computer was made, a 512MB chip was $99, which probably explains why my brother didn't upgrade it back then), and while I was at it I ordered a new backup battery ($4.95) for the PRAM. Might as well replace that while I had the case open – it's in the same compartment. In a few days, I had my RAM and battery, and set out to install them. Should be, oh, a 15-minute job, right?

My favorite version of Murphy's Laws comes to mind here:

• Anything that can go wrong, will.
• First corollary: Nothing is as simple as it seems.
• Second corollary: Everything takes longer than it should.

I made it through the first two steps of the procedure before Murphy raised his ugly head, and then the main law and both corollaries came into play.

1. Turn your computer off... Disconnect all cables except the power cord from your computer. [That amounts to the keyboard and mouse. Think I can handle it.]
2. Place a soft, clean towel... on the desk... Slowly lift up and turn the computer so the screen is facing down on the cloth. [Not quite as easy, given the weight of the monster, but doable.]
3. Use a Phillips screwdriver to loosen the captive screw on the memory access panel.

Hah. Easy for them to say. Since it didn't specify what size Phillips screwdriver to use, I tried every size in my considerable arsenal. While a plain old #2 seemed to be the best fit overall, nothing would budge that damned screw, which promptly stripped its head. I tried every trick I could dredge up on Google for loosening stripped screws, from placing a rubber band over the slots to give the screwdriver something to grip, to covering the screwdriver with duct tape, to wedging a straight-head driver in the stripped slots. The screw has a very thin flat head that recesses into the cover, so it was impossible to grip it with Vise-Grips. And it's too small for any readily-available screw-removal tool to work, even if I had one, which I don't. "Captive" screw, indeed – I was almost convinced that it had been super-glued in place.

After about three hours or so of screwing around, or, more accurately, not screwing around, I decided the only remaining option was the brute-force method of cutting a straight slot across the screw head that would take a large straight-head screwdriver. That left only the problem of what to use to cut the slot. As far as I know, I don't possess a hacksaw, and even if I did, the recessed screwhead meant I couldn't get at it with a hacksaw. I do, however, have a Dremel rotary tool, which could simply cut into the plastic surrounding the screw. A quick check of the kit revealed that it did not contain any cutting wheels. A road trip was in order.

A short time later I was in the tool aisle of the closest orange big-box home-improvement store. I did peruse the drill-bit section for screw-removal tools, but as I feared, there was nothing intended for small electronics screws. So I moved on to the Dremel display, where I snapped up a package of 10 cutting wheels.

Back home, I installed a wheel on the Dremel and carefully started cutting a slot in the screwhead. It took longer than I expected, given how soft the metal appeared to be to strip the head so easily, but finally I got enough of a slot to give a screwdriver some purchase. (The screwhead was so thin, I was worried about cutting straight through the outer edges.) I inserted my large straight-head screwdriver, applied pressure – and it started to move! At last, I removed the screw (which was not, it seems, "captive" after all) and pulled off the user access panel.

In short order, I completed the remaining steps for installing the RAM, and replaced the PRAM backup battery. I briefly got hung up in step 7 of the latter procedure, which was "Locate the PMU reset button inside the computer." The drawing clearly shows the button below the RAM slots on the right side of the opening. There was no button in evidence in my eMac... until I noticed a small button in the corresponding location on the left side, which I duly pressed for one second as instructed. (At least, I assumed that was the PMU reset button, and so far the eMac hasn't shown any signs that the PMU isn't operating correctly.)

I reinstalled the access panel – tightening the screw barely enough to keep it in place – set the Mac upright, plugged it in, and booted it. It recognized the RAM, and I reset the system date/time once more.

The next step was to upgrade the OS. I put that off to another day, seeing as how I just killed an entire day completing a 15-minute RAM upgrade. But, as of now, I have an eMac with adequate RAM and OS X 10.4.11, with Word: Mac 2004 and iWork '09 installed. It remains to be seen what I have to do to get those documents converted, but at least the memory and the OS shouldn't bog down in the process.